So, you've got Coeliac Disease, IBS, a common bug, or some other medical condition whereby taking a crap is more in command of you, than you are of taking a crap. I hear you sister, I've been there, as Say Chic's resident Coeliac, sometimes needing to do a number two at work or in public is just a fact of life. If you ask me, there's no shame in it, we're all human and have a right to empty the tank in an appropriate environment wherever we may be. Sadly, not everyone in the world feels that way, so we have to do this sneakily to avoid the judgments of those around us. Luckily, today I'm chatting you through my rules for dropping the kids off at the pool, without anyone suspecting a thing - Cheeky.

Rule No. 1 - Always Toilet Paper First

The number 1 rule for a reason; all you do is simply place a few shreds of paper down the bowl before you go. The pre-toilet paper trick silences splash back and avoids any - ahem - evidence. That's right, now no matter where you are or if there are other people in the room outside your cubical, you can drop it like its hot, knowing no one heard a thing.

Rule No. 2 - Pick The Perfect Moment

Pretty obvious one, but registering when a popular time for people to wee is a great tool for picking the right time for you to sneak off and do your business with fewer or, we pray, no interruptions. Of course everyone wee's at lunchtime, or around 11am after the countless numbers of tea / coffee we've already drunk, but have been holding in, in order to finish that last email. Between 2-4pm is usually pretty quiet at my workplace, so perfect timing. Also handy if you're feeling a bit sluggish in the afternoon, take yourself away and have a little you time - you earned it!

Rule No. 3 - Take Your Time To Wee, Every Time

Talking of timing, this one requires establishing yourself as a slow wee-er from the early days of starting a job. I never rush myself or hurry back to my desk during toilet time - I've been working flat out for the last 2 hours, I deserve 5 minutes to have a relaxed wee a-thank you. Then, when you're usually gone for a couple of minutes while you pee anyway, no one will ever notice you being gone for the same amount of time for a number two either, hehehe.

Rule No. 4 - Mask The Honk

We're all human, okay. We cannot help if what comes out of us sometimes smells like something long dead. Growing up with an older brother, who often only needed poking in the arm for a fart to release, I am well accustomed to such smells. That said, leaving one behind in public is never well received, so you need to arm yourself. Check for air-freshener already provided in the room or cubical. If not, have one to hand in your bag; pretty sure we've all seen the new Air Wick V.I.Poo Pre-Poo sprays which are definitely worth a shot in my opinion. If all else fails, pick a toilet with multiple cubicles, (don't worry, if you're using rule no.1 no one will hear you!) then you can just tell people it already smelt like that when you walked in...

Rule No. 5 - Deny, Excuse, Deny

If on the unlucky chance, you meet one of those people that dare say 'you were gone a long time' - even if you were only gone a few minutes, prepare some excuses and never admit it. You've gone to all this effort to keep your business secret and avoid being labelled 'the office dumper' - particularly after a heated conversation whereby your entire team announced they all DESPISE and are DISGUSTED by the idea of dropping one at work. Say you met an old work colleague, your zip got stuck, you had to queue, you just needed a break! If you have coeliac disease or anything similar you'll know, the pain of suppression is not worth it, it's also very bad for your body, so you just have to go do it... Just don't tell them that.

I hope you find this set of rules useful; may we all go about our business discreetly. Remember - you didn't hear this from me.